Back in America

Even though it has only been a few days, I already feel the attachment to needing to be in Australia fading ever so slightly. It's amazing how when in the throws of "need" how you will do anything to have that thing. Like a drug, you just "need" another hit. I miss Australia, more than anything... But now that I am "home" I feel this sense of freedom to do anything I wish. Being in Australia, with my lovers, was very distracting to the task I have set before me on this planet. I feel my guides could see me getting distracted and therefore made it impossible for me to stay in Australia long term. In the moment, this felt like my left arm was being cut off, but now I see it as a blessing in disguise. Do I love James and Renee? Of course, they are some of the most important people in my world. But being away from the drama that is our relationship (I take full responsibility for my part) I can see and feel much more clearly. I can see past the need for love and acceptance from them; that I can only truly give myself. They are two of the most loving people I know and yet, by putting too much into each other we have caused issues because we are all on very different paths. It's so easy to give up your path, when you so want to be with someone on their's. I have often found this to be the case, when I love someone more than I love myself. Believing on some level that they can give me something I cannot give myself. It is this mindset that makes relationships a minefield for disappointment, angst, and eventually resentment. It is a find line you have to walk between caring for others and knowing your path (in your reality) is the most important. I feel I see this much more clearly now being away from the things I want the very most... Or rather the things I thought I wanted the very most. Don't get me wrong... I still want them, but I feel my priorities are realigning into a much healthier and more productive order.

As to my adjusting back into this place I once called home, I feel a certain newness to it all. I feel like I am seeing it all for the very first time, through new eyes. I see it's beauty in a way I didn't before. I see it's elegance in a different way, more from an outsider perspective. I feel I have less resistance to it, because I know I don't have to stay. The world is now open to me on a whole new level. I don't see the restrictions I once did, because I didn't realize there was more to explore. The energy here is very different though. I feel more of a connection with the natural and less with the human. The natural side is light and flowing, the human side; harder, less free. The visual is stunning, but the feeling leaves a lot to be desired. I feel it so much more acutely now that my senses have been honed and that I have felt other places in the world. You don't know how smoky a room is until you leave it. I think this idea that America is the most free country is laughable, because I never felt so heavy or restricted in Australia. I feel like a craisin in a raisin cookie, not better or worse, but just out of place and full of unusual color. I see the people around and notice things I never did before. Trying to be without judgment is something I strive for, but sometimes I fall short. I see what the rest of the world sees of America. I see it so clearly that it surprises me that I didn't see it before. The sadness, the fear, the disconnect, the hopelessness, the fat... The fat is overflowing... everywhere. It is an epidemic. Our country is so unhealthy! I see a lot of self loathing because that's all we have been taught. We have been taught that putting yourself behind everyone else makes you a better person. And as much as caring for people is a beautiful thing, it is important to remember your own value. You are just as valuable as anyone you could be helping, because at our true essence we are all one. We are all from the same source, whether you believe that is god, goddess, or source consciousness. You are worth your time because you are alive and your experience is just as valid as the person standing next to you. I say with love, please know you are worth feeling good. Know you are worth everything, because you are everything.

I have a hard time looking at the zombies walking around the grocery store knowing that I only have to see it, they have to live it. My heart breaks for these people who honestly don't see their divinity or believe there isn't much to live for in this world. I see a lot of people giving up and excepting their fate, not realizing that their beliefs dictate their reality... Yes, it is that simple. They don't understand that abundance and happiness is a mindset and something they can work towards everyday. I see that a total shift in perspective is needed and sometimes I wonder how I am going to get through to these people when I never really had to see the world differently. I've always seen the world as something mold-able, something attainable. Even more so now that I have seen the other side of the world and what is available. Peace, joy, love, abundance, lack, fear, hate, disconnection, etc are only belief systems. Mold-able, changeable, perceptions.

My hope is that I do not become overwhelmed. That my soul chose this spot for a reason. That I am strong enough to create the shift and change I know I am here to create. I want to see hope in the faces of the people around me... Not because a president said there is hope or because terrorism is eradicated, but because people see their power and true essence as creators of their own reality. Because this is just a video game we are playing so the universe can know what it is... which is love, beauty, art, symmetry, and life. Once you see life for what it is, you realize it's all okay. You don't have to fight your reality, you can create it. And once you realize everything is in divine order and exactly perfect for your personal soul growth, you realize it's all good and it's all just apart of this beautiful experience we are all having as one consciousness. You see the beauty in the differences and how life would be boring if we were all the same. Do not fear what you do not know, because when it comes right down to it, we are all more alike then we think.

Peace and blessings. Namaste.

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